Relationships
“My Wife’s Request: Giving Up My Favorite Hobby for Our New Baby”
Mark and Sarah had been married for almost six years and usually got along well. However, Sarah started asking Mark to give up some of his favorite hobbies. First, she wanted him to stop collecting Star Wars Lego sets because they cost too much. Then, she asked him to quit playing video games with his friends because she thought he stayed up too late and it was also expensive.
Mark understood Sarah’s concerns and agreed to stop collecting Lego and playing video games. He tried to find new hobbies that wouldn’t cause issues, but he felt like something was missing. Eventually, he discovered Dungeons & Dragons (D&D) and fell in love with it. It helped him relax and stay connected with his friends, whom he didn’t see often.
When their baby was born, Mark focused on being a parent and didn’t play D&D for a few months. But after a while, he asked Sarah if he could start playing every other week. Unfortunately, Sarah thought it took away too much time from their family, even though Mark worked long hours and spent his free time with them. She didn’t want him to have time alone with the baby either.
Mark felt torn between his responsibilities to his family and his need for personal time and hobbies. He worried that he was being selfish by asking for just five hours every two weeks. He loved his family and wanted to make them happy, but he also wanted to keep his own interests and avoid feeling stressed and lonely.
Mark became sad and afraid to talk to Sarah about his feelings because it always turned into an argument. He didn’t know what to do and felt like he was spiraling into a depressed state.
According to him:
Quick backstory: We’ve been married for just under 6 years, and generally got along well, shared some interests, but also gave each other time for our own things. In that time, though, she had slowly asked me to give up some hobbies I really enjoyed and that were a good outlet for me. For example, I was an avid collector of Star Wars Lego sets, but she asked me to stop due to their expense. Fair enough, I drifted towards video games which I could play with friends. She was concerned I was up so late, and again, there was some expense with this, so I cancelled it all.
Finally, I got into playing D&D with friends. We originally played once a week for about 5 hours at a time. I fell in LOVE with the game, it was a great stress relief and a way for me to connect with friends I otherwise never saw. We recently had a baby, he’s just under 4 months now. I took a break from playing for about 2 1/2 months and was all in on parenting. After a while, I asked if I could go back to playing every other week, and for about 2 sessions she was fine with it.
Now, she’s said she thinks it takes away too much time with our new family, even if we play every other week at our own house. I also work 36-48 hours a week, 12 hour days, so I get 3-4 full days at home. She’s alone with our baby when I’m at work. When I’m home, I spend as much time with her and the baby as I can. I encourage her to work out (one of her hobbies) everyday I’m home, which she usually does happily. I also try to get her to take a break from parenting and see friends, but she refuses. In the same breath she gets upset that she has no time for herself, but then also gets upset with me for asking for time alone with my child so she can relax.
I’m the only one working, and while I want to spend time with my family, I also need an outlet for my stress. I’m afraid of losing my friends by never seeing them. I’ve tried to explain this to her, but she gets upset and focuses on countering all my points instead of listening to me. Now I’m borderline depressed, and whenever she asks me “what’s wrong” im afraid to tell her since it’ll just lead to a fight.
Am I being too selfish with my time? Is 5 hours every 2 weeks unreasonable? I’m fine making sacrifices for my family, but I feel like any I’ve had anything I’m passionate about taken away, and I’m worried I’m going to stress and spiral.