My husband cheated on me in the past and I haven’t been able to forgive him- Woman Narrates

This is my 7th year of marriage and I must admit that things are not going so well between my husband and I. During our first few years of marriage, we were in good terms and things were rosy for us just like every other newly married couples. We loved each other and it was very evident in the way we communicated and did things for each other. However, after our fourth year of marriage when we had our second child, it was as if there was a problem in our communication. Things changed between us and we gradually began to exist almost independently which was quite unusual. I didn’t know what the problem was and honestly, I tried to find out from my husband as many times as I could but all my efforts were futile. I even had to speak to his sister about it so she could help me talk to him but none of that worked.

That same year, I realized my husband was staying out more and I was sad about it. I later found out from one of his close friends that he was cheating on me with a lady that lived three streets away from mine in a newly built estate around there. I was angry and I felt betrayed as well. I tried to forget about it but I could not so I decided to talk to him about it and I did. I confronted him and told him how hurt I felt, I couldn’t hide it. I couldn’t pretend either. He was sorry. He apologized and said he did it because I offended him and that was one of the reasons why our communication has been poor for some time. He later promised to change and do better. He has actually improved compared to how he was before but I still find myself doubting him and anything he says.

Our communication has improved and he comes home early unlike before. He also tries to spend more time at home but I still feel like something is lacking. As much as he has improved, he does not allow me to touch his phone or personal belongings including his digital devices. He hides them cautiously like his life depends on it. When I ask to make use of his phone or his tablet, he is always reluctant to hand them over to me and before he does, he takes some time. It is as if he takes his time to clear his messages or hides some chats or applications in his phone. Also when I finally get hold of the phone, I can’t access anything seamlessly. Many applications are locked and they don’t even have the same password. His screen password is different from the password for his WhatsApp and other social media apps. It is always exhausting to go through his phone.

Also he changes his password frequently. It is as if he changes it whenever I finish using his phone. It is very suspicious and every time he begs me to trust him and believe that he is not cheating on me. How do I believe he isn’t cheating when he is not even making things easy for me. It is always as if he is on guard. Everything is on strong password and whenever I speak to him about this suspicious lifestyle he exhibits, he claims it is nothing and begs me to trust him. I hate the fact that my marriage has gone this way. Whenever I try to trust him, he does something even worse. What should I do? This is really eating me up. I want my marriage to be as lovely and sweet as it was. I want my home back. I want my honest husband back. I want my sweet family back. How do I achieve this? Please help me.