I call her Joy Joyce. That’s not her real name. It’s a nickname we gave to someone as a joke but it became her nickname along the line. The name that used to invoke laughter now just fills my heart with heaviness. Every time my phone rings I expect to see her name on my screen, only to end up disappointed that she is not the one calling me. She is the one who introduced me to this page so I am sharing our story here with the hope that she will see it and understand how much I love her.
When I met Joy, she had a very active sexual life. She had a boyfriend she was doing it with, and she didn’t mind telling me about some of her experiences. I am not one to judge anyone for what they choose to do with their body so I didn’t have a problem with her lifestyle. Me, I am the exact opposite of her when it comes to sexuality.
I also had a boyfriend but we were not sexually active. That was our agreement. That we wouldn’t have shuperu until marriage. Joy didn’t know this. She just assumed that my boyfriend and I were doing it. And I didn’t want her to see me in a different light or feel pressured by my lifestyle so I didn’t tell her the truth. I just enjoyed her company just as she did mine.
One thing we have in common is our love of parties. We would also go clubbing together when we felt like it. If there’s an event that is supposed to be filled with music, dancing, and alcohol, you would likely find us there. When we want to dress like bad bitches, we do it with pride. We give slay queens a run for their money. Despite our fun-loving personalities, we can only handle drinks that have 5% alcohol. We don’t smoke. It’s all about showing up to have fun and live in the moment.
I’m a nurse while she is in a different career field. So I take care of her health care needs. I know she is sexually active so I advised her on birth control methods and suggested the one I believed would serve her needs and prevent pregnancy.
One time she didn’t renew her contraceptive and ended up getting pregnant. “What are you going to do about it?” I asked her. She looked distraught as she said, “What else can I do? I can’t have a baby right now. We just went back to school, remember?” I understood her and supported her decision. I told her, “If you want to get rid of it then it has to be safely done. Come to the hospital where I work at. They will take good care of you.” After the procedure, she came to stay with me till she recovered and resumed work.
Along the line, my boyfriend and I started having problems. He started demanding shuperu. I wasn’t ready to do it but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. This led to constant fights until we broke up.
After the breakup, I told Joy that I was taking a break from men and she stood by me. One day we were supposed to attend a wedding together but my work didn’t permit me. So she went alone. I was home after work when she called me. She said, “I ran into your ex at the wedding and something happened. We need to talk.” She sounded upset so I hurried over to her place.
When I got there she was crying. “What’s wrong?” I asked this question several times but she just kept crying. I was very confused and heartbroken at the sight of her. I consoled her for about thirty minutes before she calmed down. The first thing she told me was, “Your ex sent me a message to give to you. He said you should take him back and that he is sorry for insisting you let him break you while you are not yet married.”
I tried to explain the situation but she had more to say. “Can you imagine my shock when I found out from him that you are a virgin? I had to pretend I already knew, in order to save face. Why would you hide something like this from me?” The more she spoke, the angrier she got. “I thought you were my friend but I was wrong. You are a wicked person. I hate you.”
I tried to explain to her that some people wish to keep themselves until marriage while others do not. I happen to be on one end of this while she is on the other end. And I didn’t want to let it affect our friendship. That’s why I never brought it up.
She shook her head and said, “That’s not the point. You let me believe we were in this life together while you were practising abstinence. You watch me date married men. Heck, you even helped me get rid of a pregnancy. But you never for once, advised me to stop. You never tried to tell me that living a chaste life is good. You put me on family planning to encourage me to keep having shuperu knowing very well that you are not doing anything yourself. How can you call yourself my friend? I don’t want to see you again, leave!” I thought she would calm down but she screamed at me until I left her place.
I have tried to reach out to her ever since but all my efforts have failed. I have been to her workplace but she will not hear me out. The fourth time I went there she told me if she ever sees me there again she will call their security on me. I went to her house and she threatened to call the police on me. I sent her gifts on her birthday but she rejected them and the delivery guy had to return them to me.
Her mother believes she is right. She says, “If you were a good friend, you would have advised her to change. You wouldn’t have watched her do everything she does when you know very well that you haven’t even had sex before and you wouldn’t do it until marriage.” That’s the point they are not getting. I don’t judge her for her choices. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her being sexually active. It is just not something I want to do until I am married. Can’t we be different and still be friends?
I love her so much that our falling out has impacted my life. I was even hospitalized because of it. I have lost weight. This hurts more than any break-up I have ever experienced. I can’t imagine a life where we are not friends. I was hoping she would forgive me eventually but she has blocked me on every channel I could communicate with her on. Maybe she is right. Maybe I haven’t been a good friend, and for that, I am sorry.
Joy Joyce, I know you will read this. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. Even if you will never have me back as a friend, know that I love you very much. I am forever grateful that I met a beautiful soul like you. Keep being an amazing person. When I have kids someday, I’ll them all about you. I will let them know that you were good to me but I was a bad friend to you. I miss you so much.