I and my husband are together since 2015 and married since 2020. Shortly after we started dating in 2015 we moved abroad and since then we were travelling all around Europe and basically just having fun, living totally carefree.
However, we decided that one day we would like to have a child – he already has a child from a previous relationship. In the past maybe should be a red flag for me that he doesn’t really care about his son, he says he loves him dearly and he buys him presents, but when we lived abroad he saw his son maybe 2 times a year for a few days only. When it comes to raising his son, he always was saying ”I believe his mother and her new husband can raise him right”, and that’s it. He did not care much about how he is raised.
To me, he was always saying how he loves children and can’t wait to have children with me. So in 2020, we married because I said I don’t want to be a single mother and I want a ring before I get pregnant. Now, I am 6 months pregnant with our first baby boy.
And here is where the issue is starting. As mentioned, we lived abroad, and because of the pregnancy, we decided to move back to our home country. When my father heard that I am pregnant he gave me one of his apartments (my father is well off and he owns several properties in our city). It was very important for me – at the time I thought that it was equally important for both of us – that I will give my child a stable home, own roof over his head, and be able to pay for all his needs. I knew I will be not able to do so while living abroad. So we both decided that the best will be to move back home to start a family.
My husband hates living in our home town, he doesn’t have a job since we are here even though there are plenty of job offers where they are looking for someone immediately, but still, he is unemployed. I work my butt off to make money for a living while I am having problems with hormones – a lot of d*pression, anxi*ty, stress, I feel how it’s affecting me and the baby. Also, I am the one who is taking care of household chores – I do all cleaning and cooking, and sometimes I am so tired that I need to decide if after work I want to shower or eat because I am so exhausted that I can’t do both.
I thought we are on the same page, and we are sacrificing our carefree lives abroad so our son can have happy childhood where all his needs are met, where he can be raised in a nice loving environment, where he can receive a good education, etc. I said to my husband many times, once our child is grown and living on his own, we always can just pack our things and move again. But I did not expect him to be so annoyed by living in his own city, where he was born and where he has his family. He hates everything – people, how the building looks like, the food, our apartment, the fact that he needs to sometimes meet with his or my family, simply everything is pissing him off. Also, he started to smoke w**d (it’s legal in our country), but we don’t have money for it. We barely can afford food and stuff for the baby/nursery.
Last weekend I had a mental breakdown in front of my father and I finally told him everything that’s going on in my relationship with my husband – how I feel stressed out by lack of responsibility from his side, how I don’t know how to handle his negative emotions, how he hates so much living here, how he is unwilling to find a job, how I am tired of paying for his w**d while I am struggling to buy groceries and things for the baby (crib, stroller, clothes, bottles, there are just so many necessities that I need to buy before the baby is born). Thank god for my father, who assured me that I should not worry about money because he will buy all things I need, I should just take care of myself and my baby.
But this is not solving the situation with my husband, even though I am much less stressed out, I still don’t know how to help my husband with his negative emotions. How I can make him feel better? Why he is not happy about the baby? Why he is not glad to sacrifice a few years of his life for a child he ”wanted so much”? Isn’t it something that parents should do? I also don’t like living in my home town, I also would never come back if I don’t want to have any children. But I am happy to sacrifice travelling and having carefree life so my child can have stable childhood surrounded by a loving family. I really thought we are on the same page… apparently, we aren’t.
Of course, I thought about divorce, but I don’t want to rush such an extreme decision, first I would like to try to help my husband. But how? What I can do if he is full of negative emotions and he hates everything? When I ask him if he hates also me and the baby, he says no, that he loves us and we are the only joy in his life. But I can see in his eyes how unhappy he is. I really don’t know how to change this situation…
I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you’re facing in your relationship with your husband. It sounds like you are doing your best to provide for your family, but your husband’s negative emotions and lack of motivation to contribute are causing stress and anxiety for you.
Here are a few pieces of advice that you might find helpful:
- Communication is key: You’ve already taken the important step of talking to your father about your situation, but it’s also important to communicate openly and honestly with your husband. Try to find a time when you’re both calm and can talk without distractions or interruptions. Let him know how you’re feeling, but also listen to his perspective. It’s possible that he is struggling with his own issues, and talking about them together can help you both work through them.
- Seek professional help: If you and your husband are having trouble communicating or resolving your issues, it might be helpful to seek the assistance of a professional. A therapist or counselor can help you work through your problems and develop strategies for coping with stress and negative emotions.
- Encourage your husband to seek employment: Your husband’s lack of motivation to find a job is concerning, especially given your financial situation. Try to encourage him to seek employment, and offer your support in his job search. If he is having trouble finding work, consider looking for resources or job training programs that could help him build new skills and increase his employability.
- Don’t neglect your own needs: It’s important that you take care of your own mental and physical health, especially during your pregnancy. Make sure you’re taking breaks when you need them, and don’t hesitate to ask for help from friends and family when you need it. Remember that you can’t take care of others if you’re not taking care of yourself.
- Consider seeking legal advice: While divorce should not be rushed into, it might be helpful to seek legal advice to understand your options and rights should you need to pursue this route.
Remember that these things take time and effort, and there’s no magic solution that will fix everything overnight. Be patient with yourself and your husband, and try to work through your issues together as a team.
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