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 I’m Going To Lose A Good Man Because Of What I’m Doing But I Can’t Stop It

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In all my life, and in all my relationship experiences, I have only been attracted to one man at a time. I have heard some girls share stories about having crushes on other men while they are in a committed relationship. A married friend even confided in me once, “Girl, I know I am taken but there is a man at my workplace who looks absolutely lickable.

Every time I see him I get unholy thoughts. I know I can’t touch him but it doesn’t hurt to fantasize, right?” I remember looking at her with all the judgment in my being, “You know that I don’t judge people but I am judging you right now. You are a married woman. You should only have eyes and unholy thoughts about your man.

He is the only one who should be in your fantasies. Whatever you have going on in your head about your work colleague should cease. You may not be doing it physically but you are cheating on your husband emotionally.” My reproach discouraged her from coming to me with that kind of talk going forward.

I just couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that she was committed to someone and still desired another man. It wasn’t something I had felt before so I could not relate to it. Based on this, I suppose it’s safe to say that I am a strong advocate for monogamy. I believe that when you truly love someone you can’t have eyes for anyone else. That’s the principle that has guided all my romantic relationships.

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No matter how unhappy I am with someone, I would never look for comfort elsewhere. I would rather walk out of a relationship than cheat on my partner. I was once in an abusive relationship, but it never crossed my mind to cheat. What I did was leave him. Because of this belief of mine, I don’t forgive cheating. That’s even how my previous relationship ended. He cheated, I caught him, and he asked for forgiveness, but I said no.

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“You saw the need to be with someone else because you don’t respect me, and you don’t love me. So go on and find the woman who will capture your heart enough that you wouldn’t want another person.” This is what I told him when I walked away.

Call It was painful but I healed. I am currently in another relationship. This guy is the real deal. We have been going strong for three years and preparations are underway for us to get married. They say no one is perfect, but not my George. Whoever made that statement would change it to, “No one is perfect, but George,” when they meet George. I cannot even capture how amazing he is on this page.

He is thoughtful, caring, romantic, and protective of me. George is also so kind he never does anything to intentionally hurt me. If he accidentally hurts me and I bring his attention to it, he will apologize immediately and make sure he never repeats it. He worships me and makes me feel like a goddess. Being with him is like seeing a unicorn. It’s blissful and completely otherworldly.

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There are days I look at him and silently pray, “Thank you God for this wonderful man.” In case you are wondering if I only came here to brag about my cool boyfriend, no, that’s not why I am here. I am here because I am in a bit of a situation. George and I started off our relationship with a long distance. Because of work, we didn’t have a choice but try to make things work. We see each other three times a year. And when we do, we spend at least two weeks together, to get as much bonding time as possible.

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It was torturous at first but I grew accustomed to it. Everything got easier to handle and we were good. Then last year I changed jobs and moved to another place. It was still far from George so it didn’t make a difference in our relationship. So I guess nothing was supposed to change. But somehow I did. It wasn’t intentional. I was new in town and trying my best to settle in and make friends.

Then I met this guy. I didn’t have any interest in him whatsoever. Whatever I felt for him was merely friendship. He also didn’t have in romantic interest in me, so I believed it was safe. We were close but there were boundaries. We didn’t spend unreasonably long hours talking or anything of the sort. We didn’t even hang out a lot of times. Our friendship was just the regular kind.

Then somewhere in June last year, he came over to my place for a visit. That was his first time coming over. And if you ask me to explain what happened, I can’t. I will not be able to explain how it is that I ended up in bed with a man I am neither physically attracted to, nor emotionally attached to. After the did was done, I was filled with so much regret. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore.

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I wanted to confess what I did to George but I was scared. He is just like me, you know. He does not forgive cheating. So I know that even though he loves me very much, he would never forgive me. Besides, he would be hurt and disappointed. That’s why I couldn’t tell him. I tried to move on as if everything is fine but it was not. I went back to sleep with the guy again. I don’t know why, honestly.

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It’s happened a few more times and it seems I cannot bring myself to stop. This is not who I am so I hate myself for who I am becoming. George is a good man. He doesn’t deserve what I am doing behind his back.

I want to come clean so that the secrecy of my actions will lose its hold over me and then I wouldn’t go back to do it again. But I also know that I will lose George if I tell him. And I don’t want to lose him. So I am sitting here buried in a maze of regret, and guilt. I don’t know how I am going to find my way out of this mess. Please I need help. 

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