I Allowed Him To Do It, Because I Was So Much Into Him

I had promised myself that I wouldn’t get involved with a man who had a child. So when I started dating, I didn’t make room for baby daddies in my life. No matter how much they tried to convince me that they didn’t have baby mama drama, I told them no. It isn’t that I had something against the men, no.

It was my upbringing. My mother married my dad when he already had kids. And the experience for me was an unhappy childhood. In most stepmother and stepchildren stories, it is the stepmother who is presented as wicked or mean. Well, in our case it was the other way round. My half-siblings maltreated my mum and me. No matter what they did, my father took their side. I was his child but he treated me like a stepchild. Most of the time, he provided their needs and neglected ours.

That experience marred me. That’s why a man with a child was a deal breaker for me. I was sure I wouldn’t break my rule for anyone until Marcus came along. Even the strongest metal can bend when the right amount of pressure and heat is applied to it. That’s what happened when I met him. My unyielding heart found itself bowing itself to his. The relationship was as sweet as honey so I let myself get into it.

I gave him my all. Our future looked beautiful when we talked about it. I was so much into him that I let my guard down and got pregnant. I was twenty-four then so I was scared. Although he is used to brag about how he made his first woman a baby mama, he proposed that I marry him. It was at that point that all the magic wore off for me. I started seeing clearly all things love blinded me to. The reality of his family situation sank in, he already had a child with a woman he was not married to.

It meant I would be giving my child the same stepchild situation I experienced as a child and did not like. I could choose to terminate the pregnancy to avoid that fate but I didn’t have it in me to do that. If I refused to marry him too, I would end up a single mum like his first woman. I wanted to avoid that fate as well, so after the birth of our child, I married him. Nobody forced me. He wasn’t coerced either. It was something we both did willingly. A decision I have come to regret to this day.

While I was doing everything in my power to make our marriage work, Marc’s baby mama made sure that I wouldn’t know peace. This woman would call me and rain all sorts of insults upon me unprovoked. She was bitter about the fact that I married the father of her child. When I complained to him, he made it look like I was making things up. Even when he came to see for himself what was going on, he turned a blind eye to it.

While I am dealing with his baby mama drama, I have to deal with his drama too. It first started when he compared our child to the other woman’s child. He said, “When I had my firstborn he brought me blessings, but this child of yours came to destroy everything.” I was so shocked that a father would say this about their own child. I thought that was as bad as it could get but it only got worse after that.

For instance, when I ask him for money to buy stuff for our child, he tells me there is no money. But if the other woman calls that their child needs something, he would literally run to go and provide it. I was hurt and bothered about this but I endured it because I did not have the energy to fight a war on two fronts. Why do I have to fight you while your baby mama is fighting with me all the time because of you? I even made excuses for him, that he was behaving that way because our child is a girl while the other one is a boy.

I know how men take pride in their sons so I endured his neglect. I didn’t want another unplanned pregnancy so I got on a family planning method after childbirth. For some unfathomable reason, I found myself pregnant when our baby was nine months old. I understand that these things don’t guarantee hundred percent pregnancy prevention but why did it have to fail when it got to my turn? Disappointment does not quite capture the way I felt.

When I broke the news to Marc he said, “If the method they gave you failed, why didn’t you allow them to undo the results of their failure? You shouldn’t be bringing me news of pregnancy, you should have brought me news that they fixed it.” I told him I would do no such thing. He blatantly told me that he did not have money for another child with me, but if it was another woman he would allow her to give birth. I was sad to hear this but I stood my ground. This guy got so angry that he told me, “If you keep it, something bad will happen to you during delivery.” Again, I ignored him.

So he proceeded to throw me out of the house. I didn’t even bother fighting him. I didn’t have that kind of energy. I just left.

I was at my mother’s place when he came crawling on his knees asking me to come back. I considered the fact that we had a child, and another one on the way, and decided to give him another chance. After the baby arrived, I addressed everything he did that was hurtful. I asked him to apologize to me and my mum for the way he behaved but he refused.

He said he took care of me and the baby so he does not owe anyone an apology. This is the point where I realized that I should walk away from this man if I want peace. If he won’t admit it and apologize when he is wrong, then what are we doing in the marriage?